The Body I Live In
I am a fan of to-do lists. They keep me organized and give me a sense of accomplishment when I can cross things off. Things left unfinished give me low-key anxiety. It’s why I like to eat everything reasonable in the fridge before buying more food, even if that means eating those questionable leftovers or some random combination of comestibles that raises eyebrows. It’s why I have to finish a book I’ve started before moving onto another one, even if the current one does not capture my attention. It’s why when I start to clean up the kitchen I can’t stop until the final crumbs are wiped from the counter or swept from the floor. Because I can’t cross it off my list until it’s fully completed. I’ve gotten better at letting these things go since marrying my dear free spirited husband. He has no qualms about washing all the dishes except three, or buying more kinds of mustard when there’s still a perfectly-good-but-slightly-different bottle at home, or stopping a movie after 20 minutes simply because it’s not entertaining him. I’m sure you can see that there are benefits and limitations to both styles, but that’s not the point of this particular writing. The point is that I like to do one thing completely, be done with it, and move on. And that applies to household chores as well as big, time consuming life goals.
We have been fortunate enough to check off such life goals as get a college degree, finish graduate school, get married, pay off our student loans, etc. And while the days and weeks on the road to those goals could certainly feel like a struggle, there was a clear end in sight, and a day when we could finally check them off our “list”. Unfortunately there are many things in life that don’t work like that.
Something that has been at the forefront of my mind since moving to Minneapolis a few weeks ago, is my goal to live a healthy lifestyle and to have a body that I can be proud of - not to flaunt, just one in which I feel comfortable. In some ways this has been easier since moving to the city, since we walk or bike for transportation as much as possible and have a gym in our apartment building. But the food… There’s so. much. good. food. And it’s all just steps from our door it seems.
Despite our increased activity level, I am a firm believer in the idea that you cannot out-exercise your diet. Sure you may be able to keep the pounds from piling on by adding more activity, but unhealthy food affects more than just your weight, and I would like to live disease-free well into my later decades. (Let me just pause for a minute to plug a book I found quite interesting on this topic - “Healthy at 100” by John Robbins.) I truly enjoy a large variety of fruits, vegetables, grains, and other things that come from our planet’s rich soil. However, it’s also true that some of my favorite foods are made up almost entirely of gluten, sugar, and dairy. I am also a firm believer in enjoying life and appreciating all it’s flavors. In moderation. Ah… the words in which the problem lies. What exactly IS moderation? And better yet, how do I stay within its bounds?
There is a rather predictable mental conversation I have with myself on a weekly basis which follows along the topics of: feeling a bit chubby or unhealthy in my gut, followed by eating whole healthy foods for a day or two, followed by feeling better which leads to a low-key binge on one thing or another because I’m feeling good, followed by feeling bad again, with thoughts mixed in such as “how do I stay on a plan when so many social interactions revolve around food” and “but I want to enjoy life and not have to deprive myself” and “I wish I could just be comfortable with where I’m at in my body”.
I realize I am by no means the only person to have this struggle (can I get an AMEN!), especially in a society with so much appearance-pressure. But I have also realized that this is a struggle that will almost certainly last me my whole life. And this is where i come back to that to-do list I love so much. I will never be able to cross “have a body I’m proud of” off my list for good. It is an ever changing idea. This body will continue to change with each passing year. It may train for a feat of athletic performance, it may bear children, it may get weak, it may get injured, it may develop wrinkles and spots and sags. But, until my dying day, it will not be a task completed.
Maybe the goal is not really the BODY, but the PRIDE. Maybe the real struggle is in my spirit rather than my physique. Because this body can do incredible things. It can run, jump, climb, lift, sit, stand, and rest - things, I have come to discover through my work as a physical therapist, which should not be taken for granted.
I still don’t know the ratio of vegetables to ice cream that equals “moderation”, but for now I will try to practice presence in the struggle, and appreciate this body in which I live and all the marvelous things of which it is capable.
