Turns out I'm the 'Hater'
Haters. Those people who try to knock you down a peg, discount your success, or prevent you from participating. When it comes from outside we recognize and fight back. But what about when it comes from inside? Thanks to unconditional support and encouragement from my husband, along with some great insight from Jennie Mustafa-Julock through Lee Stein's Let Go and Live Free Summit, I have begun to recognize that voice in my head that tries to tell me I can't. Sometimes it's easy to recognize and sometimes it sneaks in unnoticed and plants seeds of unworthiness. The bad news is that there will always be someone out there who is smarter, prettier, funnier, more of whatever it is, than me. The good news is that there will always be someone out there who is smarter, prettier, funnier, more of whatever it is, than me. So the pressure to be THE BEST is off, really.
Today you are you, that is truer than true.
There is no one alive who is you-er than you.
-Dr. Seuss
Sometimes the advice & encouragement we give to kids is the best we could receive ourselves. So, I have quit comparing. I have quit trying to be as skinny as ____, as spunky as ____, as insightful as ____, as WORTHY as ____. I'll probably have to quit again tomorrow, and next week, and next year, and many more times before I finally get it right. That's fine. Because failures are just lessons: opportunities to learn something about myself, try something new, come back stronger and more prepared. For this moment in time, my goal is to be as excellent a version of myself as I can be. Often though, there is still that voice in my head that whispers "you're not qualified for this, who do you think you are?" It can be hard to fight back against that voice, but I have recently come to understand two powerful tools in my possession that have been going unused.
Tool No. 1: Don't discount the evidence
In order to fight the notion that I am not qualified, I need evidence to the contrary. The good news is that the evidence exists. The bad news is that until now I have been cutting it off at the knees. So often when talking about my accomplishments - whether in a job interview or professional setting or even amongst friends - I list them with qualifiers that dumb them down and ultimately discount my worthiness. Here's what I mean:
List from the hater within:
- I have a doctorate degree. (But only in physical therapy, it's not like a PhD or anything)
- I played soccer for my college team. (But I didn't play much, I mostly sat on the bench)
- I was the valedictorian of my high school class (But it was a really small class)
- I married my high school sweetheart (But we broke up for awhile and dated other people)
- I am debt free (But there's still those couple thousand dollars on my loan being paid back by my employer in quarterly installments)
- My patient got better (But I don't know exactly what was going on I just gave them a couple exercises I thought might possibly be helpful)
- I finished a triathlon (But it was just a sprint triathlon)
The "full stop" lIst:
- I have a doctorate degree.
- I played soccer at the collegiate level.
- I was the valedictorian of my high school class.
- I am married to my high school sweetheart.
- I am debt free.
- My patients get better.
- I finished a triathlon.
From now on I will use the second list. I will stand tall in my success. Full stop. No apologies, no qualifiers. I worked for this. I am capable and qualified.
Humility, as it turns out, is not about weakening your strengths. It's about recognizing your strengths AND your weaknesses and being honest in the face of them. Once this occurred to me I did a quick Google search of humility and found my favorite definition in the most unlikely of places: Urban Dictionary. "True humility is to recognize your value and others' value while looking up. It is to see there is far greater than ourself into who we can become, who others can become, and how much more we can do and be."
Tool No. 2: baby steps
Dreams and aspirations often appear as end goals. We envision the ultimate outcome, but rarely take time to consider the steps along the way. Dreams are rarely realized overnight and they don't fall from the sky in neatly wrapped bows. They take work, and that can be paralyzingly intimidating. All the steps together look impossible, but usually the individual steps themselves are easily manageable - it's sending off an email, doing a little research, practicing a skill for 30 minutes, setting a budget, saying "no" to that piece of chocolate cake. It's a game of persistence rather than sheer strength. It's a question of "what small thing can I do today that will take me a little bit closer to my goal?"
Beating back the hater within takes conscious effort. There will be trial, and there will be error. But there will also be joy and success. I have been making this a practice for just a few weeks and already I have seen great changes in my attitude, my confidence, and my action. I have begun to really consider the possibilities rather than immediately writing them off as impossible. I have begun to recognize my own power and potential. It feels like freedom.